A prefix that has more than often troubled my personality.
Unwanted, Unloved, Unambitious, Unskilled, Ungraceful, unmannered, unadorned, Unaccepted, are some of the words that have crowded my identity. More often than not, I find myself back to this maze where I feel so lost and the uncertainty that comes with it causes nausea.
I have always had issues with my identity. One among the words that define my personality is the word turbulent. Ever seen a sea rage? That’s how my personality feels like. At times I feel good about myself but honestly, most are the times where I feel unsure and unsafe within.
Often, I find myself doubting the real potential within me. I am a grown youthful man yet I keep battling with these emotional fluctuations. I wonder whether I am good enough. I keep doubting my existence. I deny myself most of the times. This monster keeps knocking and somehow, every time I find myself opening the door just for it to knock me down.
The maze becomes so hard to navigate through. I follow one path only for it to lead me to a dead end and the only option is to go back to where it all began. Sometimes, I get comfortable being lost. I guess I am used to it. No light to help me navigate. Darkness all round. Darkness becomes a friend and all certainty is lost.
This is a monster I keep fighting daily. I keep swimming in this sea of turbulence hoping my ship is strong to carry through only for it to sink.
And every day I have to keep fighting. I have to get back afloat. I can’t drown. So I tell myself. But at times sinking becomes pleasure. And all I want to do is keep sinking.
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