This piece is called untitled because I can’t define what I feel.

I hate this place. I hate this feeling. I hate this feeling of being too exposed. I hate this place. Here is one thing about me; I have been reserved all my life. Maybe I have trust issues. I always feel my life is safer with me than with people out there. This is both a good and a bad thing. It has limited my relationships and whenever I get in one, I end up been hurt or hurting the other party. The good thing is nobody has to know about me. I don’t have to explain myself to anybody.

I have always been afraid especially to throw my self out in the deep and swim. The shallows are safer and well, I can pull out anytime I feel or suspect I am sinking. It has affected my relationships with people. And not just romantically but even simple friendships. I have many reasons to give as an excuse or maybe it is just what it is. Often I feel I am not good enough. I know I am an adult and maybe this shouldn’t really bother me but it does. This is a battle that keeps recurring and whenever it does, it really knocks me in a big way because honestly, I have never mastered how to go about it.

I am always afraid of relationships. I am always afraid of hurting the other person. I feel like I may never match the standards of the other person. More like I can never be good enough for them. Most of the times what hurts is the expectations I have out a relationship I get into. I know the other party has her wants but I want mine to be met even if she is not in a capacity to do so. We all know how this ends. Yes, premium tears for me. I should really learn to keep my expectations at zero. Words hurt me. Whenever I sense words that are belittling, I feel unwanted. Simple words cut me to the core. I always want the assurance that I am special. Yes. Very special. Anything contrary get me back to the place of a low self esteem. Here’s the thing though, most of the times I take, I judge the words subjectively and not objectively.

I have been in one serious relationship. Yes one. And I’ll be honest I had built castles in the air and trust me they were beautiful. But we all know how the story ends again. Don’t we? The castle came crumbling down and the queen left her office. Sad. I remember I told myself I will never love again but as I matured, I became lenient and told myself that it would not hurt to try again. And that I did. I tried . But there was just this one problem. There was a void in me that needed to filled. A vacuum so loud, you could feel its echo. I therefore went looking for the filler and whenever this vacuum couldn’t be filled, I mistook that for rejection. I pushed boundaries that were not to be pushed and opened doors that should have just remained closed. I hurt myself even the more in the process because my expectations, which were often selfish, couldn’t be met. I hurt other people too in the process. I ruined friendships. If I am being honest, there is nothing so bad in life than operating from a point of emptiness. It pushes you to to do things you never thought you’d ever do. And at this point, I feel I should apologize. Apologize for the hearts I broke. Apologize to those hearts that were willing to accommodate mine yet out of my selfish wants, pushed them away. You tried! I didn’t. This I know is not enough of an apology but hopefu

I hate this place. This place of feeling like I am not yet accomplished. I had dreams in life, still have them, and sometimes they seem to be taking so long to be fulfilled. I am grateful. Yes I am. I not where I used to be but I feel there should be more. More than this. I feel this place is too normal. My influence is not just for a locality. The frustration of where you should be ad where you’re now is screaming. Pointers are you’re a failure. Yet I am not. My life is not a mess yet the feeling is suffocating. At this age, my brain tells me I should be doing more than I am currently.. I should be settled. I should be driving. I should be this and that yet those are not necessarily end goals. I hate this feeling.

I hate this feeling. The feeling of being so far from God. I don’t like it especially when I get into this spot. My desire is to always love God and to serve Him. However the worries and pleasures of this world choke me and make me ‘forget’ my place with God. I hate the feeling of spiritual emptiness. I hate it when I can’t study the Bible. I hate it when I can’t pray. I hate it when I serve God’s people out of ritual and duty. How should I serve when I am empty? I hate this feeling. I don’t want to be the tares. I want to be the wheat.

Yet this is life. One day you feel like doing doing it and the other you don’t. I hate this feeling.