Even after I had ended things with Juliet, healing was not instant. I still struggled knowing and feeling I was loved.

What I have now realized and deeply taken to heart is that undealt hurt is recurring hurt. You have to deal with pain and hurt when it occurs even if you do not get the answers immediately. You have to establish a system for navigation through it until you come out on the other end victorious. I still thought to myself that ladies would give me what I was looking for. I therefore still went out looking for this love. Hurt people hurt people; that is given truth. If you never heal, the hurt you carry will be transferred to other people.

I jumped from one ‘relationship’ to another trying to taste and see what was worthy. Most of these ‘situationships,’ because they were not really relationships, were founded on such a wrong foundation. They were selfish because I did not really care what the needs of the other person were. As long as they gave me what I needed, then that is what I needed. Nothing else! In the process, the agenda shifted from looking for love to pleasure. Even though the need was still there, it became secondary. It became about trying to ‘nail’ ladies to escape the reality of what I was going through.

In the process, I hurt myself and hurt other people too. At times, some of these situationships did not go past the chatting stages but there are those which advanced quite extensively. The reason why some of these relationships did not go past the chatting stages was because everything was just about me and fulfilling my needs and desires and what the other person could do to meet them. There are those ladies who saw the bigger picture and avoided me like a flu where there are those who though they could be my savior. As I think about it now, hurt was written all over me. I am sure that was the only thing I was speaking. To some extent, I believe I played victim to try and win some girls over. It worked in some circumstances while in others, it failed terribly.

Dear reader, do you see how somebody can get from the frying pan into the fire? I was just getting deeper and deeper into a very big mess. I hurt ladies along the way but really that was not my intention. While the real intention had been thwarted, I still needed to get that love. What actually happened is that the desire for love had been distorted to look like sex. Sex was now my new version of love. So every girl that could get close enough, the idea had to be tabled.

I will never in particular forget this young lady. Beautiful in person and in heart and she had such a great smile. I had just gotten attached in a certain school for career development and it happened that she too had been placed there. The thing is, the school where we had been placed was in the vicinity of our residence. She was new to the area and she needed guidance on how to find a house and where she would buy some furniture. We met for the first time when we reported to the working station. Since I was a regular in that locality, I offered my help when she requested it. I can tell you for sure that when she asked for help and told me that she was not from around, I started working on a plan on how I would take advantage of the situation to get her to give me the candy. I helped her settle by taking her out for shopping and by being her hero. While she had settled and we were now comfortable in the working environment, I could now throw the hook into the water and hopefully this particular fish would bite.

A little help came unwelcomed.

We not only two but seven people that had been deployed to the school. We were all young and were vibrant. As you would expect, we got so close by default and started having sleepovers at our houses. Coupled with that, we also got into a habit of drinking alcohol. What you need to know about her and I is that we were both pastor’s kids. We were yet to drink alcohol. I had tasted it in my high school days but I was yet to drink in like on a regular basis. I saw an opportunity to ‘get lost’ further with another PK. If she could agree, then I would.  Weekends became our time to hang out, all of us together. We would choose where we would spend the sleepover beforehand, contribute some money for food and alcohol. We would then proceed to the agreed venue, cook, eat, play some games, drink our alcohol then sleep. This girl was naïve I could tell. I t was as if she had not been exposed to the worldly life. That I could understand because before the porn ordeal and the sexcapades, I was just like her. I am actually the one who convinced her to take her first ever gulp of alcohol. With time I introduced the sex agenda and while she was not 100% committed to it, she would occasionally accept to kiss me. I knew it was just before a matter of time before we went all in. Without pre-empting on my alcohol indulgent, one time we went sleeping over at one of our friends and we got so wasted. By this time, I had convinced her to sipping and drinking alcohol and we had become ‘good at it.’ We were not addicts as this was only happening within two months. Two months is a lot of time by the way. We got so drunk and I took her to one of the rooms in the house and we were so ready to do it. We were separated by our friends as we were undressing.  After that I immediately passed out and can rarely recall all the other details.

I felt so guilty later in life after we had gone separate ways to the point I looked for her and requested her to forgive me. Good thing is she did.

That is only one case. I tried to woo other girls.

The one that really got me back to the sexcapades was a young lady that was a workmate. We happened to be living in the same apartment. I would occasionally pass by her house to say hi after work hours and just chat after a long day of work. Things happened so fast that I cannot really explain what happened. I went one day for a little chit chat as usual and as I was headed out, we kissed. Initially it was just a kiss and she apologized. I told her not to make a fuss about it. When I went to visit her next, it was more than just a hug and a kiss.  I got the candy. After that night, it became regular until I left the apartment.

Thank God I left the apartment because it was only a matter of time before a bomb exploded on me.

Several other ladies came my way in life. I thought they would be a cure but none of them was. I had to be my own cure. Nobody was going to cure that illness for me apart from myself. Looking back, I just wish I had been wiser.  I knew little about soul ties and how damaging they can be. But how was I to know? I was just a naïve young man looking for something in life that I seemed not to get.

I knew I was hurting but I did not know how to go about it. The path I choose left me emptier and more of a shell than I initially was.  I am wiser now.

I just had to do one thing; Shout and scream ‘Help, I’m hurting!’